Hour 0: This isn't too bad. I don't know what James Franco was even complaining about. The red and pink colours gleaning off the plastic package still remind me of delicious, but for how long? The honey crueller, once my favorite dognut at Tim Horton's, lost its prime position after I found a leftover one under my bed as a child and subsequently microwaved, ate, and vomited it. The Nib may soon suffer a similar fate, but I hope that there is enough nutrition somehow infused into the licorice to help me through this. Let's see, we have (in order of appearance) corn syrup, sugar, wheat flour, corn starch, palm oil, salt, and some other shit. Got most of the foody groups covered here. One serving, which somebody deemed to be three long sticks of Nib, provides to me 1g of protein and 2% of my daily iron intake, which is all that anyone needs to live, according to the internet. And holy shit there's not even one trans fat! I may come out of this healthier than how I entered. Or I may die!
Hour 9: Today I awoke, with only a cherry-flavoured candy on my menu, for the first time in my life. Sure I'm getting hungry. But who wouldn't⸮ (That's a rhetorical question mark. I was about to make up my own but this works fine.) So most of my previous days begin with me eating a double-egged omelet, a few bacons, hashbrowns, gluteny toast, cinnamony beans, coffee, and some fruit. This initial obstacle, overcome by a meal replacement of 1 Nib, was easy enough, but I have already begun smelling random foods and near-foods in my house. Throughout the rest of the day I eat about 16 Nibs while recognizing that I am actually just going on a reasonless hunger strike that also facilitates cavities.
Hour 18: Exhaustion levels are fairly high, and Nibs are now taking up my entire mind. Kelly already believes me to be an idiot for following through with this bet, but now she is forced to hear me refer to Nibs in 60% of my sentences. In the middle of watching a movie, however, my hunger disappears. That's the biggest hurdle, and I once again expect smooth sailing.
Hour 34: This is about the time I am considering calling Rajiv and reasoning with him that this madness has to end. But there's an interesting quality I seem to possess that prevents this from happening, which some call pride or stubbornness. I want him to give in first, but I also know that he won't. I'm counting on him actually needing energy over the next week, while I could realistically lie in my own bed and filth and not be needed by anyone else. That sounds sad. Maybe Nibs cause depression. Maybe depression causes Nibs. Maybe Finkel is Einhorn. Nobody really knows. I like to cook, and I feel like this diet is giving me the chance to try out new techniques. Today, Nibs will be boiled, fried, sauteed, and poached. Tomorrow, the moon.
Hour 39: I guess I agreed to this detox of sorts because I wanted to experience something new. I'm currently at the longest period in my life that I have gone without food, and yes I am fine with omitting Nibs from that category. I can't really think straight anymore. I was hoping to extract some creativity from all of this, but I think the Nibs are inhibiting any brain activity. In-nib-itors. Never mind, my brilliance is back. So there's a good chance my body can't really handle this. I am ready to quit. But I won't. I have no idea what I'm proving, or to whom. When I realize this, which happens every few minutes, I'm ready to quit again.
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| Pretzel Nibs. Taste like pretzels. |
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| Fried Nibs. Taste like fries. |
Nibbling: Part Deux
Hour 45:
I am at the Bellow Yelly (that's as close as my lawyer will allow me to write, ever since the Him Torton's debacle of yesterday). I've made a huge mistake. There is food everywhere. I'm now being referred to as "the Nib guy" by people who see me stumbling around. This is bigger than me now. I can't give it all up and float into oblivion. I can't let myself be forever suffixed as "the Nib guy who couldn't hold up his end of the deal" while Rajiv basks in his Cheezies victory. This town is too small, so I must persevere. Earlier today, I instinctually picked up a free donut, only to throw it wildly at the wall when my memory kicked in. So here I am, back in the present, smelling leftovers. I go through all of the motions of eating nachos besides actually letting them pass through my mouth hole. Nobody appears to eat all of their food here, but everybody talks about how full they are. I am repeatedly told that it's my own fault that I'm not eating, but I don't buy it. They're just being e-nib-lers. That was supposed to be a play on enablers, but even if that was obvious the context may still not make sense. I am falling apart.
Hour 57:
I'm beginning to see why all those poor people don't like it when they don't get to eat. It's actually quite difficult. I am once again breaking my fast with a single Nib. This is the first one that is making me seriously consider giving up the candy and just living on water. Nibs are pretty much shit. Hershey's will never call me a "true Nib fan" now, but I need to get it out. Instead of yearning for these days to be full of variety, I only wish Rajiv had chosen a different food for me. I have a perpetual stomache, and the organ in question is making strange modulations that sound like I ate a living elderly man who is now screaming to get out. But I did not eat a person, mainly because no one is a Nib. Not truly, anyway.
Hour 63.5:
Halfway. I cannot wait for my Sigur Rós moment, as a family of bacons finds me at the seventh a.m. this Saturday. Until then, I scour my surroundings for distractions. First, I co-directed my first 6 second 5secondphilmaloney Me eating, then not eating a Nib. I began meditating today, and also writing club hit songs about my feeeeeeelings. Mind over matter. On the fence, in a bubble, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am no longer a systematic food addict. I get my energy by staring at the sun, like this fella (Sun Eater). I am clear now. No longer will my time be wasted thinking about, buying, cooking, cleaning, eating, and shitting food. I am productivity. I am a product of activity. I am alive. I hope.
Nibbling III: Still Nibblin'
Hour 90:
I'm going to assume that it's still not cheating if I'm eating my own stomach. I am weak, tired, and constantly dizzy. I have written this current sentence upwards of thirty times, deleting each previous string of words. I'm not happy about that one, but I have no idea what else to do. I'm nibbed out, and I assume that I will lose some readers with this post. I am contemplating why this had to be the one idea we actually followed through on. The lights in my bedroom are leaking water. The thermostats are too, but with them it's almost expected. The next mini bar I open will probably have a miniature jazz band playing on the shelf under the freezer. I wonder what actual human sound can best be heard from a distance if you're in trouble, because it's probably not help or fire or grape. Maybe "Urgnhhh"? Here is a very incomplete list of some foods and drinks that I like to food and drink: bacon, bodadoes, bread, beer, broccolo, meat, strawberries, scotch, gin, cashews, cheese. My attention span is being whittled away. However, my body does appear to be working at perfect efficiency. And I just bought a new sheep for my computer. Things are looking up.
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| Snacking Nibs |
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| Boiling Nibs |
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| Smoothing Nibs |
Hour 117:
This self-induced hell is almost over. I am listening to The Waiting in my head while pseudo-referencing "Five days?! But I'm hungry now!" and hallucinating a tractor followed by a line of ducks. I am planning my first meal. I wonder if any prisoners cook their own last meal. I would. But I'd sneak a key and a postcard inside one of the foods to aid my escape to Mehico. I don't know why buddy couldn't cut his arm off ten hours earlier so I could go drinking tonight. Ah shit, immediately after typing that I noticed Ray pu tit on his Facebook. We probably talked about it earlier, or maybe not. I played tennis today, which in hindsight was a mistake. Conserve calories, I learned but did not heed. I'm also on my way to a place surrounded by food and booze, and I feel quite awful. I couldn't eat if I wanted to, I'm convinced. My manual override would not be in effect at this point. I need to finish this, for whatever reason I had at the beginning.
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| The most beautiful screenshot I've ever taken |
Hour 127:
I awoke at 6:55am, sans alarm clock, of my own volition. I thought there would be more of a sense of accomplishment, or at least one balloon. I lost three pounds, which realistically I couldn't afford to lose. I expect it to return upon the first non-Nibby bite, but I also have no idea how anything works. People have been back and forth as to who had an easier time this week, myself included, but I just need to say I never felt like I was competing against Rajiv. We were in it together, fighting against common sense and ourselves. Throughout the duration, we would discuss different rule nuances as well as our respective deteriorations, both with outsider stati, attempting objectivity. I've been telling people about my planned first meal, and yesterday I made a trip to the land of food to pick up the missing items. Two eggs, filled with onions, mushrooms, peppers, garlic, ginger, broccoli, and cheese; three piece of bacon, downgraded to turkey bacon because it was already in my fridge; hasbrowns, of the Cavendish variety; toasted bread with avocado; beans, upgraded to beans AND wieners when I realized they still existed; and coffee and orange juice, which now together remind me of Louie and Hogan referring to Steve Pike. Instead of all of this I ate half an orange, and to be honest, it didn't taste that great and I don't feel Eddie Vedder. Fortunately, my mother just delivered me a pot of food at the end of the Nibby rainbow. I expect to throw up at some point today.
Conclusion and Recommendations:
Final grocery bill - $12.00
Final poo tally - 0.
Final poo tally - 0.
Final brain processing - low to very low.
Final Hershey's Twizzlers Super Nibs sentiment - they're slightly more disgusting than they were five days ago, but to be honest, I wasn't that big of a fan anyway.
In closing - I would like to say that I learned and gained nothing from this experience, and I recommend that nobody else ever do this ever again.
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